Take your broke ass home

Savings one little one word but one huge and effort consuming idea. I remember the long gone days of carefree thinking where there was no tomorrow, no next week and better off no next year. Where the holidays were pre-paid and the “must have” items didn’t exist or at least didn’t have a meaning.

I as somebody who’s living in London and gets 7 pounds per hour always thought of it as an action far beyond the bounds of possibility. And so I never cared if I had that extra “in case of emergency” money as my income always had the same expiration date on it: use by the next pay-day.

So when it comes to savings I couldn’t help but wonder whether it is something that one may start once his salary reaches more than three zeros or is it really for the ordinary people like me? And more importantly what do we prioritize to cut in order to save? After all isn’t the money better off at exactly where I can see it - my wardrobe?

I always religiously believed in that idea and that is how I prefered to spend or shall I say save my money. It was all good fun when my wishlist was limited to Topman clothes but as I am getting older I star to wonder whether I will always be happy with buying into the same old high street brand or will I want to grow out of it. And how will I manage that. I am starting to realise that more and more often my eyes catch designer goods that people carrying it pass me every day. You may think I just want quality but what I really want is to own some Veblen goods, well at least a couple, like a Mulberry bag. I just think it would make me feel special every day when I would carry it even though for the next year after purchasing it every day I would probably have to carry a £2.5 lunch from tesco’s in it.

So as off today I am saving until I can afford something that will last me years probably equivalent amount of years that i will spend saving for it.

When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep

When your life turns into a one big dilemma and when questions in your head keep spinning around and around almost making you feel dizzy you can easily find yourself spending a sleepless Saturday night as I do right now.

I truly believe that questioning your choices that you’ve made earlier on in your life is probably the hardest bit of being a grown up, if I can call that myself, after all I am still only a twenty year old. Sometimes I wonder if I would have been better of by listening to my parents, by asking for their advice and carrying about their opinions. We all say that the best part of being young and carefree is the drive and passion for the things that one wants to perceive. But when it comes to the so unwanted reality check are we willing to take the punishment for the wrong turns we took in life? And after all what if that drive or passion evaporates as soon as you bump into a rock?

Sometimes I wonder whether I expect too much from life at this particular stage or whether I just haven’t made enough out of it to celebrate it in a way I’d like to. I am still a student doing my BA course with two more years to go and from what I’ve heard my life should be surrounded by the books and my food agenda should only include toasts with beans. But as a fashion student I have always imagined even my university days to be much more fabulous: sample sale shopping of the high-end designers, new exhibition openings and the ever biggest sales splurges in the three biggest department stores. I know that for all that you have to earn first but it’s not like I am not earning anything. I have a full-time job to support myself throughout the summer in an almost high-end english retailer but somehow this is not even close to enough.

I really cannot even guess what’s up with me whether I am disappointed at myself, my choices or whether I am just jealous for all the rich and fabulous twenty year olds out there but somehow not even the purest 100% silk scarf from Alexander McQueen can pull me out of my misery.

(Not that long after this post has been published the writer has returned the A. McQueen scarf and happily accepted the cash in return.)

I (am not sure if) <3 London

When living in London whilst being single and only having one or two true friends you will find yourself with the freedom of being on your own and the ability of doing whatever you wish. However you will also face the fact that whilst being alone the days become longer, places feel lonelier and quickly you will run out of options of doing something excited.

I have always been a very closed, private in other words, person. I never had too many friends or even acquaintances that I would spend time with. I’ve always preferred my own company and that was mostly because of the freedom. Over time magazines, books or my laptop have become my most reliable companion on the days out and about the city but recently I came to realisation that that’s not enough and I need more.

London the place where you pass masses of people everyday no matter in which part of the city you are can become more of an exhaustion than excitement. I remember when I’ve just moved here and all of it excited me but now it only annoys me that the seats in the tube are taken by tourists after their big splurges in Selfridges and Starbuck’s outside tables are seated with the school boys and girls from all around the world with their massive Primark bags. It is also upsetting that even the up to 70% off designer labels’ sales in the biggest departments stores in London are still far away from the affordable price point just because of the expensiveness of London.

I know I am still young and a lot of is meant to come my way but I am not sure whether I can wait. I want the movie-fabulous life and I want it now. This is just not doing for me no more.

WHEN YOUR DREAMS GET TO YOU

I am sat here in this little room in East London starring at the blank walls with the blank mind. I remember when all of this was what I wanted. But then I sat at home and stared at the blank walls far far away from London. I dreamed big maybe because I was young, or naive, or eager. Eager to do things. Eager to stand by my choice. And most importantly eager to go for it no matter what.

I know it’s only a phase and I know I’ll be over it soon but it hurts. It terribly hurts to admit that I’m doubting myself in this little room in East London of which I dreamed when I was younger. It hurts that I am getting tired to get up and do things for one or another reason. And it really hurts that dreams do not come true as simply as I have imagined them to do.

And so I thought I need a place to express my own feelings other than speaking to myself whilst I am alone in my room and that’s what I will be using this blog space for